Hello all, and welcome to a new segment where I preview the weekend ahead, and give you a few ideas on how to spend your time! This segment will sort of be like Joshua Madden’s morning reports (which are hilarious…if you haven’t checked them out yet, we probably can’t be friends anymore…Nah, just messin! We’ll always be pals! You and me go wayyyyy back!), only there won’t be any weird bird jokes here. Contrary to what The Trashmen say, “bird” is NOT the word ‘round these parts. Hope you like dumb puns, because there are plenty more where that came from! Without further ado, let’s take a look at the upcoming weekend, which happens to be Memorial Day weekend!
There are three new releases this weekend, each of them with something different to offer.
If you are obsessed with really fast muscle cars (Possibly due to sexual inadequacy? I don’t know, I’m not a therapist), you should definitely check out Fast & Furious 6.
Perhaps you’re a big fan of diminishing returns…well The Hangover Part III has that in spades! If you’ve always wondered what exactly a dead horse getting beaten looks like, your search is over!
Or maybe you like animated movies, but you just wish they could feature the indelible vocal talent that is Pitbull….Well it’s your lucky day, because here’s Epic!
Or maybe you’d rather rent a movie this weekend? Well Side Effects just came out on DVD/Blu-Ray and it was pretty good. If you’re looking for a bad movie, I might suggest Beautiful Creatures, which is sort of like Twilight I guess, only irrelevant. There’s also Parker, starring Jason Statham and Jennifer Lopez…If you like action movies, but only if the romantic leads have zero chemistry, this might just be the movie for you!
Actually you should probably just rent Cloud Atlas which came out last week (and as Joshua Madden correctly pointed out, is fantastic). It’s a genuinely beautiful, transcendent look at humanity. Plus, I bet it’s REALLY cool to watch when you’re incredibly high…………………………………………………………………. on life!
Speaking of Cloud Atlas, some viewers were upset that the filmmakers cast white actors to play Asian characters in one of the storylines.
But when compared to something like this:
…it really doesn’t seem that bad.
Well the big story this weekend is the debut of Season 4 of Arrested Development on Netflix. A strapping young staff writer of ours recently took a look at the series. You should definitely check out that article! The kid’s a real talent!
Game of Thrones isn’t on this weekend, which is a bummer. But on the plus side, we’re spared a week of Sam and Gilly being awkward. Seriously, those two have to be the worst screen couple not named Jason Statham and Jennifer Lopez. I’m pretty sure Theon and the guy torturing him have more sexual chemistry at this point in the series.
Apparently the newly released Daft Punk album Random Access Memories is really good. There’s also something called Excuse My French by someone called French Montana. I don’t think he’s related to Hannah, but who knows? It’s a small world.
Call of Juarez: Gunslinger-Having never played any of the games in this series, I can only assume the theme song goes something like:
“Hey I just met you
And this means war, yes
You ignored my call,
My call of Juarez”
Yep, that’s a “Call Me Maybe” reference…big whoop, wanna fight about it?
Donkey Kong Country Returns 3D-The lack of punctuation in this game’s title bothers me, and it really poses a lot of fascinating questions. Why did Donkey Kong Country take 3D in the first place? Is Donkey Kong Country returning 3D in a timely manner? Is 3D being returned in a state of disrepair, and if so, will Donkey Kong Country be held liable?
Swimming- Many public pools officially open Memorial Day weekend. Swimming is great because it’s an all-around workout, plus it’s something at which even the mentally feeble can excel.
Church- Don’t quote me on this, but I think that even though it’s a holiday weekend, most churches are still open for business on Sunday. So why not drop in and say hi? It’s not football season, so there goes that excuse.
In all seriousness, have a fun, safe Memorial Day weekend, but also don’t forget to acknowledge the true significance of the holiday: the remembrance of those who gave up their lives protecting our country in the US armed forces.
I’ll be back next Friday with a brand new Weekend Preview.